The holiday check-in

‘Tis the season to be on the lookout for changes with elderly parents and grandparents
Dec. 24, 2010 | By: Audrey Miller

For many of us, holidays can be a difficult time. They can be filled with memories of past holidays and remembering loved ones who are no longer alive or who are no longer able to sit around the family table. For many it is a time of reflection and a passing of time.

It is hard for many of us as adult children to watch our parents’ health deteriorate. It is hard to see that their current health no longer allows them to remember the names of their grandchildren, or family recipes that they can no longer follow. If you live in a different city than your parents, the time spent together during the holiday can allow you to see how well they are managing. Be aware of the small things and things that are different. For example, is mom now finishing dad’s sentences because she always has, or is he now unable to complete the sentence himself?

Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t interrogate. Use your observation and gentle questioning to determine how he is managing.
• Take a drive with her.
• Offer to make a meal or go out for a meal; social awareness or lack thereof may be an indication of a change.
• Start a conversation about the “what ifs.”
• Find out what plans he has made should his health suddenly change.
• Does she have a power of attorney in place?
• Is there a list of emergency contact names and numbers on an easy to find location, should there be a need?
• Take a look in the fridge to check expiry dates on the food or if there are blackened pots in the cupboard.
• Pay attention to whether he appears more frail or less stable on his feet.
• Does the house seem unusually unkempt?
• Is Mom, who was always a meticulous dresser, now wearing stained clothes?

Part of this journey is acknowledging that your parents may need your assistance but are reluctant to show you or tell you that they need help. Pride and embarrassment can sometimes get in the way. To be sensitive to a parent’s needs, we have to get past our own denial about health changes and perhaps his or her own denial as well. We can offer assistance in many non-threatening ways; such as, arranging for snow cleaning service or a house cleaning service or arranging to have a prepared meal delivered. Listening and hearing what your parent has to say or doesn’t say can also be a form of assistance.