Overcoming infidelity

Can a relationship really survive an affair?
Jan 26, 2012 | Stephen Giles

Should cheating be a deal-breaker?

Statistics show that 40% of married men and 25% of married woman cheat on their spouses, therefore it is no surprise that infidelity is a common reason why couples seek out marriage counselling. When an affair is discovered many emotions run through the betrayed spouse, as well as the cheating spouse. These emotions can range from anger, disgust, confusion, guilt, and embarrassment- to name a few. For most spouses who are cheated on, they want to know why their partner had an affair; they may also want to know more details such as whom the affair was with, where it took place and how long it went on for. If the cheating spouse wants to save the marriage they must be honest about all the details, and maintain truthfulness with their spouse moving forward. The betrayed spouse will be looking for re-assurance, this will come out of honesty, and following through with action. It is important to determine why it happened-perhaps due to sexual reasons, was something lacking? Or was it due to emotional reasons such
as not being able to verbally express boredom, or feeling angry towards your partner and wanting to cause them pain? It is essential to remember that infidelity is a symptom of greater problems.

Signs of infidelity include, but are not limited to: spending time away from home, evading questions, providing defensive responses, a diminished sex life, or a sudden interest in one’s personal appearance. Having an agreement on what “infidelity” actually encompasses is important so that both spouses understand what is acceptable. In this discussion, spouses should review boundaries surrounding online interactions with people outside of the marriage.

When infidelity is discovered, it must be addressed- it will not go away on its own. Take time to feel that hurt rather than brushing it to the side. It is impossible to successfully move forward unless the issues from the past have been addressed; bringing it up in future arguments will be taking a step backwards. If the marriage is to have a fighting chance the cheating spouse must end the affair, and do whatever is necessary. This can include marriage counselling, going away together, renewing vows, or even a trial separation. Research indicates if you take a cheating spouse back without therapy or outside help they will likely cheat again. Therapy can help put an end to the negative interactions and patterns that were present before the affair. Professional assistance can also provide advice on how to address the effects infidelity has on other members of the family, as it is not only the couple who feels pain when a spouse
cheats.

Stephen Giles is a Psychotherapist and Registered Social Worker in good standing with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers. Stephen's practice therefore meets clinical and ethical standards as set by his satutory provincial governing body the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers.

Stephen has earned a Social Service Worker (SSW) certifcate from Vancouver Community College, a B.A. in Philosophy from the University of British Columbia, as well as a Master of Social Work (M.S.W.) from the University of Toronto; he has been practicing since 1990. In addition to his Private Practice, since 2005, his clinical practice experience includes working within academic teaching hospitals (Toronto Western and Toronto General Hospitals of the University Health Network and Bloorview Kids Rehab), and community social service agencies such as Family Services of Greater Vancouver and PEAK House Residential Alcohol and Drug Treament Program for Youth and Families. Additionally, Stephen has taught at Humber College (Professor) and at the University of Toronto, Faculty of Social Work(Adjunct lecturer).

He is a respected international presenter, educator, researcher and clinician in the area of chronic illness and psychosocial health, and has been interviewed by national and international newspapers. In addition, he has published numerous studies in academic health care journals. He has earned clinical certificates in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Stephen continues to participate in ongoing professional development.

Originally from Vancouver, B.C., Stephen now lives in Toronto where he practices psychotherapy. Stephen rides his 1975 Raleigh 3-speed bike most places, enjoys gardening, playing his Fender and Gretch guitars and spending time with his family. www.stephengiles.ca

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